Quick and Dirty Tips Podcasts

Episode Transcript

April Fools' Day Episode
Episode 48: April 01, 2007

I hope you enjoy this April Fools' Day show. It was created by Will Ross, host of The Traveling Avatar's Quick and Dirty Tips for a Better Second Life.

[I quick-posted the transcript for the listeners stationed in Iraq. I didn't realize they can't listen! The editing may not be perfect, but here it is.]

[Will's voice] Grammar Girl here, today we’re going to talk about the semicolon--the Roger Clinton of the punctuation world. Considered more useful than the regular colon by most grammar scholars because of its ability to form a winking smiley face, which is far cuter then the traditional smiley face emoticon, the semicolon can also... [ring] Oh! Looks like we have a call!

[Call from Stewart, who comments on Grammar Girl's “hotness” and asks about bingoing, bingoed, and the plural of bingo.]

Hi, Stewart, and first off I’m sorry to hear about your battle with the mysterious assassin known only as “The Ninja.” As for your comments on my smoking hotness, remember, Grammar Girl affected you with her hotness. But the effect of her hotness, was you buying her a diamond tennis bracelet.

I’m glad to hear about your newfound grammatical skills, and I’ll be glad to answer your question. The short answer to your question is that if you win a game of bingo, you can say whatever you’d like. You’re a winner, and you get to make the rules. This is called the “Winners Write the Grammar Rule” which was created by Sir Ethan Fancybloomers, Lord of Wellingsly after his was the only ship of the line to fight the battle of Trafalgar from the shore after being run aground due to confusion about when the celebration rum was to be given to the sailors. Despite being put on the “honor system” to consume their rum only after Napoleon’s fleet was decimated, the entire crew of 415 jumped the gun leading to one of the most darkest moments in Royal Navy History. But I digress.

I use a simple device to remember the “winner’s rule.” Whenever you’re confused, just think “I before thee, after any victory.” It’s this rule that makes any X-Box live victory trash talking grammatically correct, regardless of how it’s phrased.

Now back to the subject of ninjas. When describing a group of ninjas you…

Grammar Girl: Will, what are you doing in my office?

Will: Ohhh, this is your office? See, I get confused because our offices look so similar.

Grammar Girl: Here’s a good way to tell them apart. My office is in Arizona.

Will: Cool, I’ll just finish this one thing…

Grammar Girl: Out!

Will: Grammar girl signing out!

Comments (20) for April Fools' Day Episode | Subscribe to Comment

Grammar Hammer Says:
10/7/2007 9:24:29 PM

"most darkest"? Shame on you!

Tommie Keith Says:
5/9/2007 10:12:00 AM

I'm having problems with paragraphs and chapters. How do I know when they should end or begin? Does it have anything to do with subject matter or geography? ----- --------

Jeff Caylor Says:
4/24/2007 2:48:48 PM

Grammar Girl! Love your podcast. Heard "Lay Down Sally" in the grocery store and thought "What a dimwit." :) Hey, I can't believe you didn't point out the REASON that grammar nazis are sticklers about "well" vs. "good." It's in the question. "How are you doing?" should be answered "well" ("I'm doing well"). "How are you?" can be answered either way. Like you say, "I am good" is an acceptable response anytime. "I'm doing good" is not. I'm not an expert in English or grammar, but it fascinates me as an artist/songwriter. Great job on the podcast! -----

John Says:
4/5/2007 2:25:45 PM

Arlene, I don't think there is a usage problem here. Use whichever one sounds normal to you. -----

Alicia Says:
4/5/2007 3:12:32 AM

I'm new to Grammar Girl (thanks to Oprah!), so I am not sure if I am posting this in the correct spot. Can you start a sentence with the word "because?" I remember being told as a child that you cannot start a sentence with "because." However, a classmate of mine said a sentence like the following is correct, "Because she is shy, she avoids parties." I disagree. Can you help? -----

Arlene Says:
4/4/2007 5:44:12 PM

I watched you on the Oprah show. I think you are awesome! I love your website! I'm hoping you can help me out. I'm not always sure when to use "come/ coming" or "go/going". For instance, when my son gets invited to a party and I call to RSVP, should I say "He is going to the party." or "He is coming to the party."? To avoid this dilemma, I either ask my husband to make the call or I say "He will attend the party". -----

John Says:
4/4/2007 2:48:45 PM

According to The Columbia Guide to Standard American English, the superlative used to compare two things is standard, for instance "Math and physics are both hard for me, but physics is hardest." But they note that it is not used in very formal writing. -----

Grammar Girl Says:
4/4/2007 1:40:29 AM

I don't think there is a rule about how often you should use participial clauses in a paragraph. It's often good to mix up your sentence structure, and if you think you might be overdoing the participial clauses, there are many ways to rewrite your sentences. For example, you could have written your message like this: I have listened to your show for quite some time now, and I love it. I use participial clauses... -----

Grammar Girl Says:
4/4/2007 1:33:07 AM

Criteria and stadia are plural, so you should use are. I think you might be thinking of collective nouns such as class, jury, and team. The rules for whether to use is or are after a collective noun are complicated and I believe they vary between American Engish and British English. I will cover the topic in a future episode. -----

Robert Says:
4/4/2007 12:38:35 AM

I randomly came across your site via Glennalicious' website. This is too kool. I might just have to purchase your audio book! Thanks GrammarGirl. BTW, yeah, I suck at grammar. -----

Gela Says:
4/3/2007 7:17:38 PM

My problem is this. For words denoting plural like criteria, stadia, do I use 'is' or 'are'. Those words are called collective singular right? I'm never sure if I'm to say eg. "the stadia around the caribbean are being renovated for the world cup" or "the stadia ......is being....." Which is correct? -----

Mr Clause Says:
4/3/2007 3:35:34 PM

Dear Grammar Girl: Having listened to your show for quite some time now, I love it. I use participial clauses like in the previous sentence all the time in my writing. Sometimes I have three or four of those types of sentences in a paragraph at a once. My first question is how often should one use them? Also, how can I circumvent using short, choppy sentences without using participial clauses? Keep up the good show! Mr. Clause -----

Ritesh Says:
4/3/2007 1:15:06 PM

Ha ha... The most interesting Grammar Girl episode ever!! All the pun intended. -----

Grammar Girl Says:
4/2/2007 5:59:24 PM

Ah! This was written by The Traveling Avatar and I rushed it up without good editing so the soldiers in Iraq could read it. (There is a note at the top of the page that makes this point.) Thanks for pointing out the error. I will fix it

brownie Says:
4/2/2007 5:25:22 PM

Is it a joke? You've used "then" instead of "than". Can I trust you any more? -----

leslie Says:
4/2/2007 3:13:58 AM

I just found this site. Who'd a thunk that grammar would become a mainstream interest? May I ask for help here? If so, here's my quandry. Suppose I have to brother and they are both older than I am. How do I refer to them? "Older brother" and "oldest brother" seems right but I'm stuck thinging that comparing two does not allow a superlative. Could it be that older and oldest are correct because I am not just showing the brothers'relationship to each other but in relation to me? Does that make me old? -----

Mark Says:
4/2/2007 2:08:47 AM

No transcript?! How are the Iraq subscribers supposed to enjoy? The military doesn't allow us to listen to anything over the Internet.

Kevin Cummings Says:
4/2/2007 1:56:47 AM

Hmmm...perhaps a Grammar Girl Haiku instead. Mignon unaware That Will took over the mic. The listeners laughed. -----

Grammar Girl Says:
4/2/2007 1:25:08 AM

The Associated Press Stylebook says to put the exclamation point inside the quotation mark if it applies to just the part inside the quotation marks and put the exclamation point outside the quote if it applies to the whole sentence. The only advice I can find in the Chicago Manual of Style places the exclamation point inside the quotation mark (5.77), but all the examples are when the part in quotes is an actual quotation following an introductory element. -----

Kevin Cummings Says:
4/1/2007 8:10:04 PM

In a word "brilliant"! Will, Mignon ... well done! Now, can anyone tell me whether the exclamation point should go outside or inside the quotation mark? -----